


The Start of Something New

by ToxicNature



Series: Are we friends? [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Character Study, First work - Freeform, Fluff, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, Light Threatening, Mentioned sister, Multi, One Shot, Suicide Attempt, actually cute, doesn't have to be shippy, lil bit self inserted in Evan, might expand this, rated for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:02:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26557060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicNature/pseuds/ToxicNature
Summary: “‘Finish what I started’?” He reads, making me go pale, “fell out, huh?”Today's gonna be a good day my ass.(aka this started out as a character study of what I would do if I was Evan and then I realized I wouldn't have written that creepy note in the first place and this is what came from it. It's also a Connor character study too)
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, or none - Relationship
Series: Are we friends? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1932289
Comments: 7
Kudos: 45





	The Start of Something New

_Dear Evan Hansen, ___

____

____

_Today’s gonna be a good day and here’s why: ___

____

____

...

I pause, racking my brain that violently refuses to spit anything good at me.

The computer glares back at me, maliciously empty and judging.

It would be so easy to just write some bullshit, yet my mind cannot even conjure up a reasonable lie.

_You know what, fuck it, and fuck this. It’s not gonna be a good fucking day, it’s not gonna be a good week, or even a good year. School is awful and I still have one more year of this hell before I go into the hell that is the real world. Everyone is just too selfish to even care. I wish I could just go to another world, where everything could at least be shitty in a different way. Maybe in another world I’d actually have real friends or some wild shit like that. ___

____

____

_Maybe I should climb back up another, taller tree so I can finish what I started and try again in another life. Go head first this time and, based on my last experiences, I won’t be found until I’m already bled out and dead because that’s how much people really fucking care. ___

____

____

_It’s not like I fucking matter, everything is bullshit and evidence suggests that its PRETTY FUCKING LIKELY to not get any better. So today’s gonna be a good day my ass. It’s the end of the day and let me tell you it was anything fucking BUT a perfect day. ___

____

____

_Sincerely, ___

____

____

_Me. ___

____

____

Out of frustration I hit print. 

I don’t know what I’ll do with what I just wrote, I DEFINITELY can’t let my therapist see it, maybe I can rip it up later or something. 

Instead of getting up to get that paper I just stare at the screen. Maybe I should try to quickly write another one, make up some bullshit about- something.

While I’m sitting there contemplating what are good things I could possibly look forward to in a day I hear, “so”, causing me to quickly turn around and see Connor.

He’s one of the reasons for my bad day, but also one of the only good things, getting to speak to his sister. 

God that sounds creepy, I definitely will never admit that out loud.

“What happened to your arm?” He asks, completely unaware of my spiralling thoughts.

I blink, “oh”, why is he asking me? “I-uh, fell out of a tree, a-actually.”

“You fell out of a tree?”

I hum an affirmative, nodding my head and unable to look at him.

After a beat he says, “well, that’s just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my god”, his voice turning amused.

“I know”, I say, barely glancing at him.

He shifts, nervously taking a baby step closer, “uh, no one’s - uh - signed your cast.”

“No, I know”, I say, glancing down at the sad empty cast that’s gonna be on my arm for months. I was thinking of just doodling on it, after my failed attempts to get someone to sign today.

“Well, I’ll sign it”, he says, causing me to look up at him.

I look at him surprised, shifting away a little, “oh, uh.. You don’t have to.”

“Do you have a sharpie?” He asks, not letting it go.

Reaching in my pocket I pull out the sharpie, trying to casually hand it to him.

He takes the sharpie and roughly takes my arm, making me flinch, before writing his name in big letters across the entire cast, much to my dismay.

“Oh. Great. Thanks”, I say, looking at the bold markings now covering what will be on my arm for the next couple months.

He hesitates before saying, “Yeah, well. Now we can both pretend that we have friends.”

My face brightens at that as I look back at my arm. That’d be perfect, it’d get mom and the therapist off of me! “That’s a good- good point”, I nod, starting to walk away. I should make up a story to go with this new mysterious friend.

“Is this yours?” Connor asks quickly, making me stop and turn around. “I found it on the printer, it’s, uh, ‘Dear Evan Hansen’. That’s your name, right?”

Looking down at the paper in his hand my blood runs cold. I can’t believe I almost forgot about it, and now Connor fucking Murphy is currently holding a paper I ranted things I barely have admitted to myself.

“Shit, yeah, no, no. That’s just a stupid, uh, paper, assignment, I have to, uh, write for a-”, I stutter, walking back to try and get the offending paper away from Connor.

“‘Finish what I started’?” He reads, making me go pale, as he looks carefully up, “fell out, huh?”

I try to grab the paper and he just holds it out of reach, “please don’t tell anyone!”

“What, that you can’t even kill yourself right?” He crosses his arms, glancing between the paper in his hand and me.

The fight leaves me and the most I can do is weakly glare at him.

Today is gonna be a good day my ass.

He just laughs, “don’t worry, who would I tell? Don’t have any friends, remember.”

My expression changes to surprise.

There are plenty of people he could tell. Anyone in staff at the school for instance.

Looking at his face, I know he hasn’t even thought of that. 

I’ve gone to school with Connor for so long, he’s been bullied longer than he’s bullied me. He has no care for the rules, he probably doesn’t even trust adults. Who could even blame him, I’m sure they’ve been no help to him before, just like me.

After an impromptu staring contest Connor’s face twists as though he’s contemplating something before he starts, “ah fuck- I’ll tell you what”, he pauses, then just starts walking away with a head jerk.

I stand there like an idiot for a minute before running to catch up as he leaves the room.

“Tell me what? Wait, where are you going?”

He continues to walk, completely ignoring me while looking like a man on a mission.

“Can you just give me my paper back”, I try to reach for it but he once again lifts it away.

I sigh, “I can’t follow you around all day”, we leave the building and he turns and starts walking toward the forest across the street.

“Okay fine, keep the paper I’m not following you in there, and besides I have somewhere to be soon and I can’t-”, I start, exasperated, when Connor whips around and grabs my shirt.

“No you c- you’re gonna shut up and follow me before I change my mind and kick your ass, got it?”

Mutely nodding he lets me go and I begrudgingly follow him into the trees.

I have no clue what he’s trying to do. Hell, he might be leading me out here to kick my ass anyways.

Maybe he has a gang of stoners he’s leading me to where they can kick my ass, or just laugh at how sad I am.

That doesn’t seem right though. He made it clear that he doesn’t have any friends. 

Then again that could just mean he doesn’t think of them as friends.

My mind is racing and my heart is pounding. 

When we enter a small clearing with an abandoned cabin I get an uneasy feeling.

My eyes dart around, worried about seeing someone else waiting for us while he just settles himself on a stump around a very old, unkempt fire pit.

Connor then pulls a lighter out of his pocket, and holds it out to me, “here.”

“Uh, I d- I don’t smok-”, I startle, when he entervents, rolling his eyes.

“No, burn it.”

I stare at him blankly, not understanding what’s going on.

He sighs frustratedly, waving the paper, “this stupid note, burn it!”

Oh.

“Why?” 

“What else are you gonna do with it? You didn’t want anyone to see it anyways did you?! Just do it, loser!” He yells, looking about ready to jump up and punch me in the face.

I hastily take the lighter and paper from him, before looking at the lighter unsure.

I don’t really know how to use a lighter.

The idea of it I get, but I always seem to have trouble actually going fast enough to get a fire going.

“Are you going to stare at it all day? Yes, it’s a lighter, learn something new everyday”, Connor says sarcastically.

My hand shakes. I try to light it, and then try again. The friction of the lighter hurts my thumb as I try one more time, and I get it! But, I got too excited and accidentally lifted my thumb off the button and it went out.

“It’s not rocket science, nerd! Jesus it’s like you really haven’t seen one of these before”, he says, looking like he’s about to get up and light it himself when I stop him.

“No! No, I’ve got this, I just, I’m not used to using a lighter”.

He shakes his head and settles back down, “well then genius, wow me.”

This time I get it to light and stay lit. 

I carefully hold the stupid paper over the flame and let it catch.

Unsure of how to hold something currently on fire I tilt it so the flames are licking higher up the paper, helping it spread. When I feel the heat burn my hand I panic and chuck it in the old pit. I only realize afterward that we should have probably cleaned it out before this.

It turns out fine when Connor stands and kicks any dry plants around to burn safely inside the pit.

With my heart rate going down I awkwardly sit down on the foliage next to the pit and watch the flames get bigger.

I have to admit, it is pretty cathartic to see my pain and confessions burning in front of me like this. It’s almost like a weight has been lifted in the calm of the forest.

I almost don’t notice when Connor shifts to pull something else out of his pocket.

Turning my head I see him take a joint out of a mint tin, before putting the tin back and lighting the joint with the lighter he plucks out of my idle hand. 

Now a bit more uncomfortable I turn and just focus on the fire again, looking around to see if there’s anything else to put in there to keep it going.

“You want a hit?”

My head snaps to see him holding out the lit joint.

I quickly shake my head, “n-no, I’m good”.

“Suit yourself”, he shrugs and takes another puff.

So we just sit there in silence. Connor smokes, occasionally kicking more foliage and sticks into the pit to keep the fire going.

I don’t think either of us realize how long has passed until the sky turns as orange as the cinders I have been poking at.

When it finally registers I stand in alarm, I missed my therapy appointment!

“Uh, jeez, it’s getting late, I should-”.

“Yeah fine, whatever, leave”, he says, sounding irritated and something else. Disappointed?

I pause, looking at him, before speaking, “I- uh, thanks, I guess. This was actually nice. Maybe we could do this again? Writing out shit we never say and just burning it, I mean. And maybe you c-could try too next time. I-if you want to, at least! I just- yeah.” I end dumbly.

He doesn’t say anything or look at me and I’m half afraid he’ll snap at me when he just gives a noncommittal, “sure, whatever.”

Still, that puts a small smile on my face as I nod and turn around, to get back out of the forest.

“Hey!” I freeze, and turn to see him glaring at me menacingly, “if you tell ANYONE about this, I’ll end you! Got it?”

I stare at him in shock before weakly smiling, quoting, “who would I tell?”

That seems to have caught him off guard, so he simply nods and sits back down, with a quiet, “see you around, loser.”

As I head off I think of how strange this whole situation is. I mean, it’s not like we’re on friendly terms, and I don’t even know why he did this for me, or if it even was for me. Despite everything, I had a good time, and I’m really hoping we do do this again.

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wanted this to be an expanded multichapter thing, because I don't know how to write anything else, but that was just so daunting and hard because of all the mental health things I'd have to get into for the characters.
> 
> When I finally finished this part of it I realized that it actually made a really good one shot, so here I am taking my shot and just posting it! 
> 
> I hope you like it, I'm actually so freaking happy and proud of how it turned out. If you guys want more I might roll up my sleeves and try tackling that but for now here you go. A one shot is probably good for me anyways, I can just never help myself lol.


End file.
